Of spy squads and beggars – A political satire

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In this country, gossip and small-talk sometimes assumes exaggerated importance and can even turn into hearsay ‘intelligence’. Choo Sing Chye takes a light-hearted look at coffee-shop talk, spy squads, beggars and little Napoleons.

Coffee shops nowadays are getting popular – not that they are cheap, but it’s the talk in there that people are going for. Never look down on coffee shops, the talk there does carry a lot of weight and it will be at your peril if you do not take it seriously.

If you don’t believe me, ask Dr. Chua. He said that he had heard about the secret committee as far back as two years ago but thought it was just “coffee shop” talk. Uh huh, there you are, you didn’t listen, you thought it was cheap coffee shop talk, and now you pay for it. Now you know, Dr Chua, but since you said this, “I began to take it seriously after the DVD episode,” you are safe from here on.

One thing’s for sure, these alleged snoop squad (SS) leaders are believed to be pricey snoopers, and their pay matches those of Division One officers, but not their level of education. And at allegedly RM10,000 a month just to snoop, nobody is going to dispute it. What is so good about this job is that it needs no educational qualification to apply. Whether you have UPSR, SRP or SPM, it does not matter; what matters is that you must possess the skills of being slimy, sleazy and seedy, and if you do, you are definitely in.

Anyway, the character who pays this kind of money is plenty smart; he sticks to the advice of our famous Sun Tzu like super glue, not the cheap tapioca glue, my mother used to make for me during my primary school days.

Sun Tzu in his ‘Art of War,’ spoke about fitting rewards for the gatherers of information. In another word, one should not be a cheapo or cheapskate when it comes to paying spies. Pay them cheaply and you’ll get cheap hearsay intelligence and perhaps one or two dirty jokes thrown in, free of charge. That’s what you’ll get.

In the case of Khairy, please don’t simply open your ‘rice-cruncher’ (borrowed from S H Tan) in Parliament before double checking the reports your boys gave you. Your boys might have got it from Mat Rempit; they, from their mother who happened to get it from a Chinese Ah Soh while she was doing her marketing; and this Ah Soh from a pork seller; who in turn got it from a pig rearer; and he, from the MCA guys who visited his farm before the 2008 elections.

If you have a ‘hard-talk’ with these MCA guys, the truth might eventually come out and they would have probably said with a cheeky smile, “Heh, heh, heh, we made it up…”

The other day in Parliament, the Pas MPs’ PNB abbreviation got you, I thought, with a ‘Mauy-Thai’ knee kick – you and I know where a ‘mt’ knee kick usually lands – and probably he missed his mark (not chun – not accurate) because you didn’t squeal when you continued speaking.

Khairy, don’t be too proud to seek counsel from YM Raja Petra; his Deep Throat’s info is quite ‘convincing’.

But don’t do it yourself without Raja Petra’s advice, it could be very messy if you got the wrong one.

When Lim Keng Yaik’s disclosure hit the street, many were baffled why it didn’t come out from the coffee shops first. Well, it is easy to explain: this ‘beggars’ thing was the talk of the coffee shops from Day One of the 10, 11, 12 GE; nobody seemed to care or notice. So now, LKY had proven it, and it’s not just ‘che tai poaw’ (bluffing – literally means ‘transport a big cannon’ in Cantonese).

So to all non-Cantonese speaking people, please don’t feel hurt if some Cantonese-speaking politicians refused to pose with you when there’s a cannon in the background. Please be understanding, okay?

Well, before LKY’s disclosure, many even in the opposition didn’t believe it. You tell me, how can Gerakan, MCA and MIC taiko be ‘beggars’ when they don’t sleep under bridges or in ‘kaki limas’. It just doesn’t make sense?

These BN fellows are definitely not ‘beggars’, but ‘little Napoleons.’ They live in condos, bungalows or huge buildings that looked like palaces. To the rakyat, they are hypocrites. Talking about Napoleons, luckily, these guys are not into French politics, or they would get labelled as ‘cafard’ (in French lingo, it means cockroach, which also colloquially means hypocrite or, if you like, hypocrite-cockroach). Pick any one of those words, it means the same. Cafard only applies to politicians in the French-speaking world. So you guys in Malaysia are safe.

Now that the 2008 GE is over, many BN fellows are beginning to voice their dissatisfaction against Umno and clearly it is not because of the waving of the keris or ketuanan Melayu or Dr Mahathir. Actuality, it is because of the size of the crumbs that Umno gave them.

Sorry, I didn’t make it up, Lim Keng Yaik openly said it. He said that Umno ‘treats them like beggars’. So it wouldn’t be big ‘ang-pows’. Why other leaders from the BN component parties didn’t say it or complain about it while in the BN?

Perhaps they got small crumbs and did LKY get xxsmall crumbs or perhaps they are now eyeing Pakatan Rakyat’s field lately because after the 2008 General Elections, it looks greener.

But anyway, the antics of these political prospectors brought back fond memories of my childhood. We were very poor then, and this did not deter us from leading a happy childhood.

I remember one day, we, a group of boys – Malays, Indians and me, all sons of hospital attendants, were playing next to a house without noticing a pakcik (also a hospital attendant himself) sitting on the cement stairs. He was observing us from that vantage point for quite some time. He was more amused than annoyed with the ruckus we made. I think finally it got on his nerves. The gentle person that he was, he teasingly quipped:

“Apeh, komeh in, sumeh nak jadi haro, hai, maneh superman dan sepdoman nak ceri makan… “(Apa kamu ini, semua nak jadi hero, hai, mana superman dan spiderman nak cari makan?)

Now, PR, tolong-lah jangen nak mein-mein, (don’t play-play), demeh (mereka) ni (ini) susah nak ceri makan…

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